


No Better love

by waywardimpalawriter



Series: Ruin [2]
Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cussing, F/M, Fighting, Smut, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 23:51:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9295148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardimpalawriter/pseuds/waywardimpalawriter
Summary: They always say Christmas is the time for miracles.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Ruin  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/8457097

**Middle of Germany December 20**

 

“Sam take point eyes from the sky, Clint back door with Scott, while Bucky and I take front,” removing his shield from his back, Steve slid it over his arm like a friend coming home, welcoming the weight.

“Sure that’s wise Cap, the front door?” eyes on alert, scanning the trees and surrounding forest covered in three feet of snow. Glancing over at the Star Spangled man seeing that he too is on alert. “They might be waitin’ for the attack.”

“So we’ll knock see if they wanna go out for pizza,” Scott offered sealing up his mask reading for action himself.

Back ridged, eyes hard as ice, Bucky turned, “None of you should be here in the first place.”

“We’ve talked about this Buck, I’m not letting you in there by yourself,” exasperation leaching from his tone gloved hand tightening over the strap of his shield.

“Besides why should we let you have all the fun Barnes? Share your toys for once man,” Clint chided stretching out before clapping Scott on the shoulder following the other man.

A low growl leaves his lips, vibranium arm whirling as he made a fist at his side. “I didn’t ask for help Barton nor do I want it,” he stalks off towards the compound only to come up short.

“Miss anything?” metallic crunch alerting everyone of Tony’s presence. “Need it though Frostbite, can’t take out a whole compound by yourself single handedly, unless of course your me,” smug tone in his voice.

“Can it Stark you’re not helping any,” shaking his head Steve came up beside Bucky matching his stride.

“Maybe not, but once this mission ends successfully Sergeant Tall, Dark and brooding can apologize to my girl and make up.”

Deeper growl leaves Bucky’s lips as he rounds on Stark, “Leave Y/N out of this firstly and second she’s not your girl.”

He couldn’t think of you right now too much of a liability, distracting, heart ache making him push the memory of your sweet face from his mind. He’s doing this for you, the reason he lets you believe he cheated to keep you safe and away from him.

“Stark take top side, let’s get this shit finished,” frustration in Steve’s tone let’s everyone knows know Cap’s just as stressed.

Fake gasps in everyone’s com link, “Language Capicle there are children,” flying off a humorless chuckle in Tony’s voice.

Breaking in goes as smooth as a rocky road but no one’s hurt. An explosion to Steve and Bucky’s left lets them know Tony has entered.

“Roof secure,” came Sam’s voice a little winded after taking out half a squad of Hydra fighters.

“Copy Sam, keep an eye out will be sending more your way,” Steve answered ducking the punch his opponent sent, landing one to the man’s side making him stagger before smashing him over the head with his shield.

Focused, feet knowing the winding halls like the back of his hand Bucky makes for the main control center. Every man and woman he’s come upon is out for the count till the last. Being almost the size Bucky is, muddy brown eyes spitting fire at the former Winter Solider.

“You should’ve stayed away asset,” he sneered white teeth flashing in a dimly lit cavernous room.

“And miss all the fun, no chance,” measured steps, assessing the man before him, catching the right hook he sends. Easily pushing him backwards.

“There will be much rejoicing in your death, a rebuilding of what you squandered and…,” he doesn’t get to say more as Bucky lands a hard punch to the man’s chest knocking him backwards.  

Out of nowhere another attacker hits Bucky in the head, making him see stars and giving the first the opportunity to land a hit to his chest. Knives appearing from thigh sheaths, twirling them between nimble fingers as he lunges at Bucky cutting deep into his right arm that blocked the shot aimed for his stomach. Bionic left forearm catching the other aimed at his head, making him open for the mystery second attacker to land a side punch to Bucky’s back knocking the wind out of him.

“You’re supposed to be stronger than this solider, instead you are weak. Being free from us has turned you soft,” the first sneered slicing at Bucky’s chest, this time cutting through the leather, making him bleed.

“You gonna talk me to death or fight?” low growl leaving cracked lips, eyes narrowed in anger. Bucky wipes at the blood dripping down his cheek from a lucky shot earlier.

“Seen Bucky?” voice huffing as he’s joined by both Scott and Clint, worry written in Steve’s sky blue eyes.

Both men shook their heads, as Steve asks Sam then Tony, neither having seen him. Splitting up, but not before Clint cuffs Steve’s shoulder, “He’ll be fine Cap, Bucky’s tough.”

Having heard the exchange, Tony keeps searching having F.R.I.D.A.Y scan the area looking for the center. Ears picking up on the sounds of a fight Tony rounds the corner right as the first man Bucky fought plunges his knife deep into his chest both men falling to the ground.

“I leave your ass alone for a split second and you get stabbed,” hand extended, shooting out a blast of energy knocking the second to the ground as he’d been heading for Bucky as well. Most likely to finish the job the first who’s trying to get up started. “Not today asshat,” backhanding the man so hard his neck snapped body falling to the ground in a heap. “Can’t take you anywhere can I Barnes?” being his usual snarky self but there’s an undertone of worry in the cadence.

Helmet retracted, Tony drops to his knees beside a still Barnes, “Don’t you do this Frostbite, don’t you fucking die on us,” placing his hand atop Bucky’s check demanding a reading.

“Slow pulse, concussion, internal damage, it doesn’t look good boss,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. relays.

Head bowed, when he feels Bucky move just a fraction, “Tell her, I’m sorry,” coughing, blood pushing from his lips to drip down. “Tell her I love her.”

“Tell her yourself Barnes, we’re getting your ass out of here,” no matter how much he couldn’t stand Bucky, Tony couldn’t bring himself to let him die. Not when he knew how much the other man meant to Steve, Wanda, Clint, Scott, hell even Sam, but most of all to you. “Cap gonna need your help, Barnes is down in a bad way and it’s not possible for me to drag his heavy ass out alone.”

His world came to a halt with Tony’s words, he couldn’t lose him again not after everything they’ve been through, “On my way Stark,” Steve picked up his pace, meeting Clint and Scott at the entryway of command central.

Between Steve and Tony they managed to get Bucky up, working their way out while Scott lay chargers to blow and Clint retrieved what information he could out of the databases. Converging on the quinjet, Sam took the pilot seat, Clint beside him while Tony, Steve and Scott worked Bucky over trying to stabilize him for the trip home.

Two hours into the trip, Bucky gasp harshly gripping the hand in his seeing Steve sitting beside him, “Let me go,” voice thick with pain, eyes rolling, sensors beeping as the hand in Steve’s grows weak.

“You’ll be fine Buck we’re almost home, just hang on a little longer,” worry seeped into his tone as he checked the bandages finding them soaked with blood. “Fly faster Sam,” Steve yelled to the front panic setting in.

“This boat can’t go any faster Captain,” Sam shot back glancing over his shoulder uneasy in his chocolate eyes that locked with Steve’s for a second before he pushed harder at the controls.

“No reason to,” softly spoken, eyes sliding closed as monitor’s beeped and Bucky’s breathing grew even shallower.

“Bucky,” Steve shook him getting no response, “Bucky no you can’t,” tears gathered in his eyes though he didn’t let them fall, hands setting to work on trying to bring his best friend back, only to fumble and be pushed aside by Tony and Clint who took over.

 

**Back in New York same day**

Coffee that’s what you needed after another night of getting little to no sleep, it’d been the same way for the last three months ever since that fateful night when you caught Bucky cheating on you. He never explained himself, never fought to get you back, just let you take your belongings out of your shared apartment at the Avengers compound. You weren’t sure what hurt the most that he never explained or that he never came after you, no trying to win you back just an acceptance of what happened.

Trying to move on has been anything but easy down right hell actually, your job the only thing keeping you sane most days. You keeping in contact with Tony, Sam, Wanda and Natasha the only news you received. The ladies having tried on serval occasions to get you out for girl’s night of clubbing, most times refusing in favor of staying in you modest apartment. One you’ve barely unpacked as boxes still remained sealed and stacked.

Maybe its hope he’ll come after you, that the affair was some sick joke, but as the months rolled by, Halloween, Thanksgiving and now almost Christmas you’re growing more heart sick knowing it’s truly over.

“Y/N?” feminine voice asked from your left, as you pause in the line at Starbucks.

Turning, “Do I know you?” boy did you. It’s the woman who wrecked your life.

“You have time for a chat?”

“Not for you,” your response takes her back and in that second you reach the counter and order your Venti White chocolate mocha with five sugars.

You’re about to pay when a slender hand with manicured nails lays a twenty down, “Please this is important,” her eyes implore you.

Nodding somewhat against your will, you give the barista your name before heading towards the waiting area. “So talk.”

“In private,” she states.

The two of you wait for your order looking so out of place standing together trying not to look at each other. Her in fine a silk red dress fur coat encasing her lithe frame, while you’re in jeans, surprisingly one of Bucky’s stolen Henley’s and thick wool coat. Finally your orders up and she grabs the paper cup marching towards the back of the establishment knowing you’ll follow.

“You mind telling me what this is all about?” hands on hips, eyes glaring, demanding an answer.

“Sit please,” she places your cup opposite her motioning towards the chair. Once you’re seated giving her an evil look. “He didn’t touch me, at least not in the way you think he did.”

Almost choking on your first sip of coffee, you place the hot beverage down slowly eyes bugging out, “What are you talking about?”

“Barnes, we didn’t fuck,” putting it plainly as she checked her nails, almost bored with the whole thing. However her conscience after that night, his words, got the better of her and she started to seek you out.

Shaking your head, raising, “I don’t believe you, I saw…”

“What you were supposed to see sweetheart,” looking up into your eyes the truth written in hers. “He paid me to fake it, our tops were bare but below wasn’t.”

Tears pooled in your eyes, “He wouldn’t, it’s a lie.”

“I asked him while I dressed why he did it, why pretend when he could’ve had me,” hand running through her long dark locks a wistful look on her beautiful face. “Barnes told me he had the best no one could compare.”

“When why?”

On impulse she took your hand squeezing, “Said he loved you too much to let you die, he wanted to protect you and this was the only way.”

Swallowing hard, head shaking, your whole body feeling numb, as tears pooled in the depths a single drop sliding down your cold cheek. “That’s stupid he could’ve just explained things. Why take it that far?”

“Something you’ll have to ask him my job here’s done. I’m just sorry he did it that way. If it means anything,” she waited till your eyes locked once more. “He truly does love you. In all the men I’ve met, been with and cheated with, Barnes was the only one who truly hated himself for what he did. When I looked at him while leaving I saw a broken man.”

Before you could ask or say anything she’s gone leaving you with so many questions and only one person can answer them.

 

**December 23 New York City**

 

Three days of rolling over everything she’d told you, wondering what exactly to do. Calling Bucky came to mind first followed by going to the Compound and seeing him. But something held you back, the heart ache of knowing he planned the subterfuge to break your heart. The same one word, ran through your head, why.

Why do something so horrible? To what end? Was your lives together truly just a game to him? You’d pushed those thoughts around, while at work, eating, in the shower but mostly at night trying to sleep without Bucky’s warmth beside you. You always came to the same end he wouldn’t have done something so horrendous without reason. You’d have to face him soon and find out the answers to your questions. For now a cup of hot tea will work wonders.

Three light rapid knocks sounded on your apartment door followed by, “Y/N you home?” Natasha’s voice sounded rough as if she’d been crying.

Fear squeezed your heart, as the knocks came again harder this time. Your feet finally coming unstuck, taking those five steps from your kitchen doorway to front door. Locks twisted when Natasha’s voice spoke again this time with an urgency in the cadence.

“Natty, what,” you swallow harshly coming face to face with both Steve and Natasha. “No, please,” words come out as a whimper, legs growing weak.

Only thing that keeps you from dropping to the floor is Steve’s strong arms surrounding you, holding you up and tight to his chest. All three of you enter, Steve walking you towards the couch soft pained whimpers leaving trembling lips. Nat closing and relocking your door to join you both on the couch taking your free hand as you face Steve.

Whose ran a hand through his short sandy blond hair making it stand on end. Trying to formulate the words to explanation and to comfort.

“Is he?” the words won’t pass your lips, bottom now between your teeth keeping the tears at bay. “Steve please is he?”

“Alive yes, but barely,” your gasp has his head snapping up from staring at the hardwood floor. “He needs you Y/N.”

Head shaking, sob leaving your parched throat, “I can’t, he, he…”

“Y/N he never cheated, it might have looked like it but it was,” weary sigh leaves slight chapped pink lips, Steve taking both your hands in his. “He loves you doll and only wanted to protect…”

“Don’t,” one word forced out anger flashing in your eyes. “Don’t say that Steve,” you stand, snatching your hands from his grasp, starting to pace the floor.

Standing, he walks over to block your path eyes imploringly looking into your, “It’s true Y/N Bucky wanted to protect you, keep you safe…”

“Why,” voice choked with anguish, fear and pain. “Why would he do something like that?”

“Hydra, Y/N,” Natasha rose to stand beside Steve.

“You knew?” hurt y/e/c eyes turned to glance into sadden green orbs. “All this time and you didn’t say anything?”

“He asked us not to say anything only Steve and I knew,” voice soft as she takes both your hands in hers giving them a light squeeze. “We begged him not to go through with the plan. To tell you, explain, we could protect you together better than you being on your own.”

Pulling away, you pace the floor again unsure of what to do next. “Y/N I know you’re hurting and need time to digest everything, but Bucky doesn’t have that much time.”

“What could I do Steve?” glancing up into his sky blue eyes filled with grief. “He pushed me away it’s not like my presence can make a miracle happen.”

“Will you try?” imploring you to say yes.

Nodding slow, turning from both of them to grab your coat and purse, “Let’s go you can fill me in on what happened on the way.”

Settled into the backseat, hands clasp tightly in your lap, mind racing, you stay silent for over half the trip just trying to come to terms with everything that’s happened. With how shitty your day has turned into.

After about thirty minutes of driving, “What happened Steve?”

Deep sigh leaving his lips as his eyes keep trained on the road, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. “We’d gotten intel about one last Hydra base buried somewhere deep in a German forest. Bucky, he wanted to go alone.”

“You let him?” anger highlighting your tone.

“Of course not Y/N, what’d take me for a fool,” he glanced back at you seeing the sheepish look you sporting now. “Clint, Sam, Scott, Tony and I went with against his wishes of course. But I didn’t want to take any chances. This base had been operating for a long time, with few knowing about it. While holding information we could use, it also was the last link to Bucky’s past, to the horrors Hydra inflicted upon him.”

“As if Siberia hadn’t been enough,” you mutter, arms crossed worrying your bottom lip.

“We spilt up, Bucky and I took the front heading straight for central command, somehow getting separated, next thing I hear is Tony saying Bucky’s down, hurt badly,” there’s a catch in his voice, letting you know how much this affects him. “We get him stable back on the quinjet heading home. But about half way through Bucky grips my hand telling me to let him go. Replaying everything he’d said previously to Tony, I noticed his bandages soaked in blood somehow having missed a bleed.”

“But you stabilized him, I don’t understand what went wrong,” trying to keep the tears from your voice, the pain which seeped into the tone.

“Bucky has internal damage Y/N from a knife fight, three broken ribs, plus a concussion, couple broken fingers, black eyes,” hearing you gasp, Steve glances back at you.

“The serum though shouldn’t it be working on healing him?”

Swallowing harshly, Natasha turns to face you having only heard the account of what happened from the guys, she only knows what she saw and heard from the doctor. “According to Dr. Cho, Bucky’s given up, the serum has healed a good portion of his injuries, though he’s,” Nat glances towards Steve as they pull into the Compound drive.

“He’s what Natty?” you demand looking between both of them.

“He’s in a coma Y/N and Dr. Cho thinks he’s given up the fight,” Steve answers pulling to a stop in the underground garage. Switching the engine off, to turn and face you, “That’s why you’re here.”

Tears blur your vision not fully accepting his words, “There’s nothing I can do Steve.”

“Tell him to fight, to come back,” anguish like no other colored Steve’s voice as he stared at you.

Voice small, “What if he doesn’t want to?” you don’t look up at either of them just out the front window of the SUV for a short time. Before getting out slowly, hand resting on the warm metal for a fraction of a moment after closing the door.

Gathering your wits and strength not wanting anyone to see the tears that pool in your eyes, as your heart hammers in your chest, you push away and start to run, knowing this place like the back of your hand having once lived here. The need to get to Bucky growing with each step your feet took, each push towards the med ward.

_I once kneeled in shaking thrill I chase the memory of it still, of every chill Chided by that silence of a hush sublime Blind to the purpose of the brute divine But you were mine Staring in the blackness at some distant star The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are To the wild and to the both of us I confessed the longing I was dreaming of_

You never hear Steve nor Natasha yelling for you, just the beating of your heart and silence once you enter the elevator. Wishing it wouldn’t be taking so damned long, almost mocking your pain and need to get to Bucky. Prayers going up as you finally reach the second floor, med wing. Darting out almost bowling over Bruce in your hast, he knows having seen Bucky himself. Therefore he just waves you off when you pause making sure he’s okay. You flash him a grateful smile, feet carrying you down the hall, stopping to check each room coming up empty.

Thoughts turning black, wondering if you’re too late that while Steve drove to retrieve you he’d slipped away for good this time. Tears falling this time as your back hit the wall, harsh sob leaving your parted lips.

_Some better love, but there's no better love Beckons above me and there's no better love That ever has loved me, there's no better love Darling, feel better love Feel better love_

“Y/N?” worried pitch in Wanda’s gentle voice has your eyes opening, head raising to glance at her through blurred vision.

“James?” nothing else comes out as you see the grief flash in her sea green eyes.

“Come,” she takes your hand, heart thumping in your throat as she leads you to the last room on the hall. “It’s not good Y/N, he’s slipping away.”

Another sob leaves your lips, a nod the only affirmation you give, feeling Wanda give your hand a squeeze before letting go and watching while you take the steps towards Bucky’s door. Pausing, hand resting on the door jam, taking in the room, so sterile and cold even with the light blue walls and weak winter sun filtering in the medium sized window. Feet rooted to the spot, eyes falling on the man you love seeing his broken body hooked up to a ventilator helping him breath, pale features, bruises healing yet still black and yellow against his skin.

_And I've never loved a darker blue Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you You, whose heart would sing of anarchy You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully When our truth is burned from history By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me Like fire weeping from a cedar tree Know that my love would burn with me We'll live eternally_

In a blink you’re beside him leaning over his large frame, soft hand brushing hair from his forehead to place a gentle kiss to the warm skin. Looking down, taking his hand in yours careful not to damage him farther you can’t help but raise his hand to your cheek brushing the back of it across before adding another kiss, intertwining your fingers loosely. Hooking the chair behind you with your foot, you sit near the head of his bed close enough that you can whisper into his ear.

_Cause there's no better love That beckons above me, there's no better love That ever has loved me, there's no better love So darling, feel better love Cause there's no better love That's laid beside me, there's no better love That justifies me, there's no better love So darling, darling, feel better love Feel better love Feel better love Feel better love Feel better love_

“Don’t you leave me James Buchanan Barnes, you hear me? I need you in my life. I’ve missed you so much,” a hitch in your voice as tears start to cascade down your cool cheeks. “You can’t leave me James not when you promised me forever. I know things aren’t right between us, but I’m here and willing to work this out. Just please, please don’t leave me,” you beg letting those tears go, soaking the pillow your sharing with Bucky.

_Cause there's no better love That beckons above me, there's no better love That ever has loved me, there's no better love So darling, feel better love Cause there's no better love That's laid beside me, there's no better love That justifies me, there's no better love So darling, darling, feel better love Feel better love_

 

**December 24 New York three am on Christmas Eve**

 

Watching over him for hours before your eyes start to get heavy and you rest your head over his arm using it for a pillow. Dreams, nightmares plague your mind, of Bucky dying either in your arms or far away. You’d jerk in your sleep waking to check on him before falling again into the same fit full dreams.

Strong hands gently shake you awake, deep yawn leaving your lips as you look from Bucky, who’s still motionless, up to Steve’s bright blue eyes. “What’s wrong?” voice rough from sleep.

“Nothing doll,” sad smile graces his pink lips. “Thought you might like to freshen up a bit, grab a bite.”

“What time is it,” giving Bucky’s hand a squeeze before pulling free to stretch your back and run your hands through your hair.

Checking his watch, “Three in the morning Christmas eve,” flicking his gaze over to Bucky seeing no change.

Sighing you stand slowly legs stiff from sitting so long. “How long was I out?”

“Five or so hours,” he answers turning towards the door waiting for you to exit first.

Nodding, “Where can I freshen up?” you look back one last time just to make sure before heading out. Missing the subtle movement of his flesh fingers almost like their trying to grip what’s not there anymore.

“Bucky’s room okay?”

“Of course,” you walk silently beside him till it gets the better of you. “Why’d he do it Steve?” scratchy as tears have gathered in your eyes trying not to let them fall.

Carding a hand through his soft sandy blond hair, “To protect you,” he answers free hand going to his back pocket to pull a crumpled envelope out and handing it to you. “Everything you need to know.”

Accepting the piece while you both pause at the elevator, Steve excuses himself knowing you’re familiar with the Compound. Slowly stepping in and absent-mindedly telling F.R.I.D.A.Y what floor, eyes trained on the white paper in your hands. So unaware you get off at the right floor and pause before Bucky’s door without realizing you’ve moved.

Finding the door unlocked, you go in stopping to take in the bare surroundings. Bed made perfectly, walls a shade of grey, no clothes laying everywhere like it had been when you lived together. No personal touches except one lone picture. Your feet taking you towards the bed, eyes trained on the nightstand where the handmade wooden frame, decorated with little Trinity knots sat. A gift from Sam who surprised the both of you with his wood working skills. Five by seven glossy encased, capturing your first Christmas together almost five years ago.

Both of you standing under the mistletoe, lips pressed together in a slow kiss that only turned heated after the camera captured the moment. Picking up the frame you ran a finger over both of you, lone tear slipping down your cheek.

“I remember that Christmas,” deep voice came from the door making you look over wide eyed. Tony leaning against the door jam legs crossed, “Sorry to starlet you Y/N just checking to see if you’re okay.”

Looking back down at the picture. “I don’t know how to be Tony,” you state honestly replacing the frame, to stand and face him. “Part of me wants to be so angry at him for deceiving me like this but the other.”

“Can’t help but want to love him,” brow cocked, a soft smirk gracing his lips. “Pepper tells me that all the time. Sadly I’ve come to realize Frosty and I are a lot more alike than I care to believe and if you tell him that I will deny every word.”

Sad chuckle leaving your lips, “Your both insufferable and drive us crazy,” eye softening as they lock with his. “What if he doesn’t come back Tony?” fear and anguish color your tone, those pesky tears forming again.

“Hey as hard headed and stubborn as Barnes is he’s not going anywhere soon especially with you back in his life.”

“He’s giving up.”

Shaking his head, “Not in his MO Y/N. Why do you think there’s so few things here?” shrugging you glance around again. “Because his heart isn’t here but with you. You’re the key to fix his lock,” motioning towards the hand still holding the letter. “I’d read that if I were you and you’ll know everything.”

“How?”

Shooting you a wink, “I’m smart like that Y/N got it all figured out, expect Pepper and I but I’m working on that.”

Watching him go, before sitting back down, envelope weighting more than it should. You finally pluck up the courage to open and unfold. Seeing Bucky’s neat, for a man, handwriting filling the page.

_Dearest Y/N_

_I’m sorry, from the bottom of my black heart I will forever be apologizing to you for the stupidity of my actions. But I couldn’t do it, couldn’t watch you get hurt are worse die._

_They were threatening you doll, Hydra or what’s left found out about our relationship as quiet as we kept it they still knew. Had pictures and voice recordings with undercover operatives. I couldn’t risk you. Even giving you up is better than getting you killed. So I did the one thing I promised I wouldn’t. Regretting the moment you walked in seeing what I wanted you to believe is another woman. The only way I could think to make you so angry with me that you’d leave and hopefully never look back. You took my heart with you doll and as I write this letter, planning is going on for one finally strike to destroy them for good. I won’t be coming back I know this. It’s why they’ve been taunting me, knowing it’ll end either with my return as the Winter Solider or in a pine box. Either way I don’t want you apart of that._

_I love you doll always will, you’ve bought joy to my life when I didn’t think any would exist. You brought back my reason to live and now that you’re gone there’s nothing left._

_Forever yours_

_James_

Eyes blurring, drops falling to the page, making the ink run, a sob pulling from your lips, as you rocked back and forth on the bed. Understanding didn’t make the pain any less, nor did it dampen the anger you felt. Questions still rolling around in your head. Why didn’t he just tell you? Yes you got that he’s scared Hydra would use you against him. But to not be told, so you could’ve been prepared instead of in the dark. Did he not trust your skills as an agent? You’d fought alongside him so many times he should’ve known that you wouldn’t be taken without a fight. Rational side of you, knew he had a point, you’d become a liability, a weakness in his chain that he couldn’t have while facing his greatest enemy.

So many things, yet your mind came down to one conclusion, as you wipe your eyes. You still loved Bucky regardless of what he’s done and you wouldn’t allow one little mistake to destroy what you’ve built together. Therefore with renewed strength, you rose from the bed, letter forgotten as it fluttered to the floor. A quick shower, changing into a pair of Bucky’s oversized sweats. Heading to the kitchen for a quick bite finding that for the first time in months food actually tasted better.

Grabbing up a bottle of water you don’t hear the footsteps enter, fridge door closing to face Steve. Hand on heart to slow the beat, “Shit Rogers you trying to kill me?”

“Just keeping your heart strong Y/N,” he tries to smile but you can see the pain underlying the forced mirth.

“Not funny,” taking a step back, opening the bottle and taking a deep drink. “Any change while I was gone?”

Shaking his head, “None, I stayed with him for a while till Nat kicked me out to sleep.”

Really studying him for once, having been too busy in your own grief and anger. Seeing what this has done to your best friend. The dark circles under his eyes, slump in his shoulders, “You look like shit Steve, go get some sleep. I’m headed back now.”

“Thank you,” voice soft and small, vulnerable almost like seeing a shadow of Steve before the serum was put into his body.

Puzzled, shaking your head, “For what?”

“For coming to help, you didn’t have to.”

“Course I did Steve,” giving him a soft smile that doesn’t reach your eyes as worry still clouds your heart. “I love him there was never any other choice,” patting his shoulder while walking passed. You glance at the clock noticing that it’s almost five in the morning and even with the cat naps you had exhaustion sets in making you yawn.

Minutes later you enter Bucky’s med room seeing him still in the same condition breaks your heart. You wish for a miracle it being Christmas and all. You figured the universe owed you that much right? Toeing off your shoes, wiggling your toes against the cool tiled floor, you step beside his bed, placing your water down before picking his hand up and intertwining your fingers.

“You know James you’re making it very hard to stay mad at you,” sighing using your free hand to rest your head on the palm just watching him for a bit. “I don’t know what to say to get you to open those beautiful blues of yours. I miss seeing them.”

Eyes start to droop a little, head jerking down startling you awake, making you look around for a second before settling back on Bucky. An idea popping into your head. Thankful the beds are larger than normal hospital ones or this wouldn’t work at all. Carefully you lift his right arm placing it over his chest before climbing into bed beside him curling yours against him. One arm laying up over your heads toying with his hair, the other gripping his tightly.

Feeling yourself start to drift off, “I love you Bucky please come back,” you whisper into his ear, placing a soft kiss to his stubbled cheek.

Mid afternoon sun light streams in from the medium sized window, casting rays against the opposite wall. Eyes slowly open, blinking back the sleep you managed to grab and for once it’s restful even if your left arm is a bit numb from laying on it all night. Your brain hasn’t caught up yet, leaving you to wonder where exactly you are. Till the flood comes pouring in making your head snap up to meet steal grey blue eyes.

“Bucky?” voice hoarse from sleep, eyes shocked wide. Rubbing them a few times making sure you’re not seeing things. “Prayers are answered,” astonishment clearly written in the cadence of your tone.

 

**December 31 New York City, New Year’s Eve**

 

Eye’s trained on the New York sky line, he doesn’t hear you step into the room, lights dimmed, the party raging on in the ballroom couple of floors down. It’s been a hell of a week of shocks and almost losses. You can’t believe the two of you made it to tonight, the last one of 2016, and together no less. Holding back the snort which wants to let loose, but right now you don’t want to disturb the peace that’s settled or the man who’s filled your heart with such love and joy.

To think less than a week ago he’s at death’s door and now he stands, one hand resting on the cool glass of Stark Tower the other hanging at his side, back slightly bent forward as if he’s searching for something. Instead you take the time to truly look at him, dressed in a pair of fitted black dress pants that hug an ass you can’t help but want to squeeze, tailored white long sleeved button shirt, sky blue tie that you know has been loosened as the sleeves have been rolled up exposed the tanned, muscular forearms. You wonder what’s going through his mind right now, if he’s troubled about something since you could see the tense set of his shoulders. Free hand slipping into those dress pants to fiddle with something.

Leaning against the door jam of the borrowed room, hands clasp over your tummy, jeweled embellishments abrading the palms of your hands, as navy blue chiffon bellowed around you softly. You mind going back to Christmas Day.

 

**December 25 up State New York Avengers Compound, Christmas Day**

_“You got everything?” words spoken with a hint of sarcasm in the tone, as Natasha lugged three heavy grocery bags towards the elevator._

_Rolling your E/C eyes, while walking to catch up, dress bag slung over one arm, duffle bag with a couple changes of clothing and three bags of groceries in the other. “You wanted homemade cookies Tasha so suck it up buttercup.”_

_“But you make the best ones,” a playful whine in her voice as they entered, waiting for the elevators ascent into the Compound stopping on the second floor._

_Existing, eyes glancing around for any sign of Bucky, a slump in your shoulders told Natasha how disappointed you were. Giving the fact that you hadn’t spoken with Bucky since he woke up. You’d been pushed from his room by Dr. Cho stating that tests needed to be run, and you needed your sleep. Having taken one last look only to lock eyes with Bucky, whose gaze gave away so much of what he’d been feeling, longing, hurt, self-loathing, confusion, with a dash of love. However, the last you thought was just your imagination playing with you, as Bucky hadn’t sot you out since being released from the hospital ward._

_“Hey,” both of you stopping in the kitchen placing the bags down. “Go to him, talk, I’ll put everything away.”_

_“I can help Tash.”_

_Shaking her red head, ghost of a smile fliting across ruby lips, “Go I’ve got this,” shooting you a wink. “After you knock some sense into him then we can bake.”_

_Hugging her tightly, “Thank you,” whispered words leaving your lips as she hugged you back the crinkle of plastic sounding before she pushed you towards the elevator._

_Nerves, how could you be nervous this was just Bucky, your Bucky after all. Yet they were present, making you twist the handle of your duffle bag, sweat breaking out over your palms when the ding hit the floor you’re staying on with him._

_Steps unsure, you turn around a few times before straighten your back, bottom lip caught between your teeth. Stepping up to the door, you don’t knock just grip the knob, giving it a gentle twist before pushing forward. Not expecting much of anything, an empty room at the most. However, what met your eyes had tears clouding your vision as Bucky is sitting at the head of the bed, head bowed staring into the picture you’d looked at not that long ago. Sadness etched on his features._

_“Go away Steve,” voice rough with little use, combined with emotions you couldn’t put your finger on right then._

_Swallowing harshly you try to find words to say. “I’m not Steve, James.”_

_Head snapping up, you wonder if he gave himself whiplash, “Y/N?”_

_Soft smile gracing your lips, as you put both duffle and dress bag over a chair, “Last time I checked yes.”_

_“Why?” he to swallowed, you could see the movement of his Adams apple but it’s his eyes, rimmed in red with such sadness in the depths of those steal blue orbs. Biting back a sob at the pain he held, you took a step towards the bed. “Why are you here?”_

_Words, felt like a slap that tore through your heart, fingers twisting the hem of your purple sweater. “I… I came to see how you were doing and I wanted to talk.”_

_“Fine,” one word, one syllable, so much anguish._

_Shaking your head, trying to reign in your emotions, you took a step towards him, “You do look better than last I saw you.”_

_“Leave,” he’s chewing on the inside of his cheek, you can tell, see the nervous glances he kept flicking your way._

_Stopping in your tracks, “Is that what you want Bucky? For me to leave.”_

_War broke out inside his mind, caught between wanting to protect you from enemies that would use you to get to him, from himself and wrapping you so tightly in his arms, burying his face in your neck and just drinking you in. Never to let go._

_His indecision ignites your anger, “Damn you James Buchanan Barnes,” voice just that side of a whisper but grew louder with each of the next words you spoke. “You’re a damn stubborn, selfish man, who doesn’t see beyond his own fucking pain. News flash Bucky I can take care of myself you jackass. What you did,” you pause letting the memory and pain fuel your rage. “Despicable, I’d thought you loved me, cared about what happened to me, I guess I misjudged you, instead you’re a coward.”_

_Fire danced in those steely blues when they snapped up to meet yours. Movement finally happened, as Bucky placed the picture on the bed, slowly sliding, then raising, almost like a lion stalking its prey. “I care Y/N, I care to fucking much about what happens to you, don’t you get it.”_

_“What I get is that instead of coming to me, talking things out, you betrayed my trust and our relationship for a lie.”_

_“To protect you,” he roared coming to stand before you, chest heaving, gripping your arms, his touch searing your skin even through the layer of sweater and t-shirt._

_Scoffing you try to shake loose, those eyes of his damning you to 9 kinds of hell, “Protect me my ass James. I can do that very well, you know that. Hell we’ve fought beside each other. So why, why did you choose to push me away like that instead of coming to me?”_

_Wanting to let go but couldn’t, he knew from Steve that you’d read the letter, knowing part of but not the whole story. “Its better this way, you can go on to live a life without me. To love a man who’s whole instead of broken.” Turning from you, not able to withstand the tears starting to fall from your eyes._

_The first hit didn’t make much of a dent, the second one makes Bucky turn to face you, the third landing square in the center of his chest, which started a rain of slaps and punches all of which Bucky stood there and took. Till he heard the sobs leave your parched throat, as you started to weaken and his own resolve crumbled right along with is legs. Dropping to his knees, arms encircling your waist, face buried in your tummy pressing the two of you so close together._

_“You stupid, foolish, beautiful man,” fingers carding through is hair as you both stay like that for the better part of five minutes. Tears streaming down your cheeks as his soak into this front of your sweater and jeans, his arms holding you impossibly close._

_Pulling back, Bucky looks up at you confusion warring with love on his features. “You’re an idiot James Barnes,” hands move from his hair to cup both cheeks, brushing your thumbs under his eyes catching the last few tear drops. “I don’t and never will see you as a broken man James, just the man I love.”_

_Watching as you dropping to your knees before him, gently mirroring your hands brushing the apple of your cheeks. He’s trying to figure out… “Is this real?”_

_Puzzled, you rub one side on your face in his palm, eyes still locked with his. “I’m real James, this is real,” taking one hand from your face you place it to your heart letting him feel the beating rhythm. “You’re not dreaming, and Hydra doesn’t have you again.”_

_Intertwining your fingers, having discovered his fear, you lean forward resting your foreheads together, eyes closing as you soak him in. Till the remaining hand, thumb ghosting over your bottom lip making you gasp, before it’s placed on the back of your neck pulling you in and his lips just the barest of kisses. Tentative and sweet just soft presses of his lips against your, till hunger and need take over for the both of you, and you draw the tip of your tongue over the seam of his lips. Dropping your hand to his chest then up and around his neck pulling him closer. The both of you falling backwards, Bucky hovering over you. Unclasping your hands, he uses it to brace himself up so is not to squish you. While your own moves over his back, fingers digging in trying to draw him closer._

_Still staying with the light kisses, you become frustrated wrapping a leg around his hip rocking up against him making him gasp and open. Which you take advantage of thrusting your tongue inside his mouth of tangle with his. A fight for dominance begins as a rumble of a growl leaves his lips and you find yourself rolled and laying on top of Bucky. Arms cinching you tightly to him, as your legs straddle his waist. He lets you take over the kiss, as your mouth nibbles his bottom lip, drawing your own tongue over to sooth before sucking on his, earning you a lusty groan from the man under you._

_“Well seems as the Frosty couple is back bumping like bunnies,” Tony’s voice broke through the haze which surrounded you and Bucky both making you still, chests heaving, to look up at the smiling billionaire. “Think you can keep your hands to yourselves long enough to get through Christmas dinner and presents? Or do I have to get the spray bottle?”_

_Resting your head on Bucky’s collarbone deep red blush covering your cheeks, while he answered, “We’ll be out in a moment, Tin man.”_

_Door closing, you feel Bucky lean down to kiss your forehead, “Come on doll.”_

_“Don’t want to,” pouting snuggling into his arms, such a different tone to the atmosphere now._

_Deep chuckling leaving his lips, “As much as I would love to show you how sorry I am and how much I love you, I don’t think having Tony nor Steve and Sam coming barging in will heighten the mood any.”_

_Blinking, you raise on your elbows to stare at him, “Say it again.”_

_Soft smile lighting his features, he knew what you’re asking for, as his hands rub your back creating shivers of delight to chase down your spine. “I love you Y/N and I’ll be forever sorry for what I did.”_

_“Not forever,” leaning down to kiss him one last time you go to stand, watching as he joins you. Arms going around you, pulling you flush against him. “By the way, I love you to James.”_

**December 31, 11:30pm**

“Gonna stand there all night doll?” deep voice spoke breaking you from the spell you’d been under.

Shaking your head, “Nope just came to see if you wanted to join the rest of us in the ballroom?” trying to keep the shiver from running down your frame as he wraps you up into his arms pulling you close.

Nuzzling the side of your neck, nose drawing a line across the soft skin making you shiver. “Do we have to?”

You held off on any sexual antics till Dr. Cho gave him a clean bill of health just to make sure. Course didn’t stop the two of you from acting like horny teenagers for the last week, driving everyone crazy. Till Steve, mild mannered, sweet Steve threatened to turn the hose on you both if things didn’t get under control, stating that he didn’t need the image of Bucky’s naked ass in his memory bank.

Now however, in your own room away from everyone, the temptation grew, especially with how mouthwatering Bucky looked in his suit. Tiling your head to the side, giving him more access, “I don’t think they’ll miss us. What do you have in mind?”

Pulling back sultry smirk on his sinful lips, “The fireworks Stark has set up should be going off in about 25 minutes. Care to watch them with me?”

Nodding slowly, “Where we watching them?”

Motioning towards the bed angled towards the open curtains, you feel his human hand gliding over the curve of your ass, vibranium fingers gripping the zipper tab, pulling it down the racer back lacing. Parting the fabric so his hand rests against the small of your naked back.

“I’d prefer to have you naked in our bed of course, but since we decided to spend New Year’s Eve with family this’ll have to do.”

“Such a sweet talker you are Bucky,” laughter making his heart flutter with joy.

“All for you doll, now,” both hands come up to the parting of your dress pulling each side from your shoulders exposing the strapless bra, breasts heaving slightly with every touch. Letting the fabric fall to the ground, eyes roaming your figure, groan leaving his lips at seeing the matching black satin panties. “Christ Almighty Y/N, you looked fucking gorgeous in the dress but out,” licking his lips slowly, eyes locking on yours showing you how much heat and passion ran through his lust blown orbs.

Fingers deftly working on the buttons of his white shirt, mischief sending a smirk up at him, “So what you saying I only look good naked?”

Meeting the hard planes of his chest, you smooth the palms of your hands over the expanse pushing the shirt from his body. Slowly licking your lips, to lean forward, placing a chase kiss to the underside of his chin, another to his Adams apple, collarbone where you sucked a nice mark earning you a groan from the man above you.

“Minx,” deep growl leaves his lips, thumb and forefinger coming up to lightly pinch your chin, rising it so that his lips could land harshly against yours. Demanding you open, yet getting your playful resistance. Vibranium hand sliding down to cup an ass cheek, giving you a hard squeeze, making you gasp and him to gain the upper hand.

Tongue thrusting in the warm, wet depths of your mouth, taking a deep drink of your sweet nectar, getting hints of champagne, chocolate and a flavor that’s all you. Soft moan pulled from deep within your throat as the two of you tangle, noses bump as you both savor the familiar feel and texture of your mouths. While his hands are busy, the one at your ass has tugged and pulled till the flimsy piece of material is pooled at your feet. The other hand unclasping your bra and only pulling around from your delicious mouth long enough to pull the garment from your body, leaving you bare and taking a deep breath. Pausing to admire the way, lights from outside dance over your skin, soft lamp light showing the glittering jewels of your e/c eyes as they shined for him. Both hands clasping your thighs lifting your off the ground so that your legs wrapped around his waist.

Your fingers card through his shoulder length locks tugging at the chestnut strands, bringing his mouth back to yours for another passionate kiss, this one a little slower, gentler as you both take slow sips of the other. The bed coming against your back as Bucky placed you in the middle, hovering over you as the kiss continued. One hand slides down his back, feeling the magnificent muscles ripple and move under your touch. Attention solely on the man above you, your eyes open as the kiss breaks and he starts a path down your neck, pausing to suck and nibble at your neck. Tongue tracing patterns till it landed on your right breast nuzzling the swell before taking the taut nipple sucking harshly.

Keeping him at your breasts, while you reach between you, popping the button on his dress slacks, then the zipper, finding it a little difficult to pull them and his boxers down with one hand.

“Bucky please,” your breathless with desire and need, it’s been too long and all you want is him inside you right now.

Pulling back a fraction, “Please what baby girl?”

“Need you, so bad,” you pant, his wicked fingers having dipped between your parted thighs.

Pointer and middle finger dragging through your slit slowly, gathering the cream, spreading it over the hood of your clit nudging the small pearl to appear as his thumb presses and draws tight circles, making your hips jump.

“Your wish my love,” grinning, surfing down your body to land between your thighs tongue replacing fingers to lick a wide stripe right up the center of your dripping pussy.

Till he reached the little bundle of nerves, tip of his tongue bullying it around before sucking it into his mouth making your hips jerk off the mattress. Half scream, half moan leaving your lips, body undulating against his mouth, pleasure racking your frame. You’re not sure if looking down is a good idea but you can’t help but lock eyes with those sexy steal blues. Feeling the smirk on his lips as the curled around your clit, fingers sliding bottom knuckle deep, crooking upward to hit your g-spot making you see stars as both hands fly down to his head gripping him close.

“Shit, Bucky please, so close,” you pant nails slighting digging into his scalp, as your hips rode his face pushing his closer if that was possible.

His own body rocking against the mattress needing that friction as he’s hard as steal and ready to bust. His need so great, Bucky with one last hard suck of his mouth pulls away at your great annoyance. Quickly shedding his half on slacks and boxers, standing at the end of the bed watching you watch him.

“Come here James,” voice soft, arms open as he crawls slowly back up the bed taking you with him till you both hit the pillows.

Hands going to your thighs wrapping them around his waist, rocking his aching cock against your soaked folds. Gaining a hiss from him and a low moan from you. Reaching between you again, encircling his shaft giving him a few tight slow strokes, his head falling to your shoulder, breathe warm on your skin. One more stroke and you line his cock up with your dripping cunt, sliding the face crown in using your heels to push him down till he’s bottomed out.

Panting harshly, waiting for you to adjust to his girth, Bucky cages you in with both arms on either side of your head. Leaning down to take possession of your lips as his hips snap back dragging his cock out before slowly pushing back in. Making you light headed from the pleasure, you break the simply sweet kiss, gasping for air, fire lighting your veins with pleasure as Bucky moves his body against yours. Arms slipping under to surround you as your own wrap around his shoulders. Feet planting on the bed so you could thrust upwards as he pushed down. You walls fluttering around his cock, squeezing, dragging a groan from his lips. The only other sound in the room besides the slapping of slick skin, hard breathing and gasps of pleasure.

Using both hands to push away from the bed, knees coming up so that you both sit up, you in his lap, his hands gripping your waist helping you to ride his cock knowing you’re getting closer. Hips rolling against his, head tossed back, hands landing behind you, chest thrusted out, as his mouth descends to capture a rosy tipped nipple in his mouth sucking hard.

“Fuck Y/N,” he growls still the two of you, wrapping you close he moves till his back hits the head broad bracing himself. “Ride me baby.”

Panting, you nod hands going to his shoulders as your eyes lock and you raise slowly only to slam back down. Pushing your pelvis against his stomach feeling the rippling muscles brush against your clit, making your movements jerk and erratic as the pleasure starts to shot through your veins. Building higher and hotter. “James please I’m so close, please,” you pant, begging, needing the release, needing him.

Remembering in that moment that neither of you thought about a condom, plus you stopped taking the birth control. Yet in this moment the thought of having his child give you such joy making your hips roll faster and harder again him. A whimper leaving your lips when you feel the cool fingers of his vibranium hand slide between your moving bodies to circle your clit, pressing hard. Movements becoming sloppier, as your walls tighten around his cock. Pleasure shooting through your body, fireworks lightly behind your closed lids.

“That’s it doll milk my cock, shit,” he cursing thrusting twice more before coating your walls in thick ropes of his cum. Body shaking around yours, as you both slowly ride out the intense pleasure, panting, mouths searching while you both pause, his cock still deep inside you softening.

Quivering, breath a needed commodity, you pull back grinning at his kiss swollen lips, darken eyes and tousled hair. Real fireworks shooting off making you jump in his arms. “I’ve got you doll and I ain’t letting you go either,” he whispers sliding down the bed till your laying on top of him cocooned in his arms.

“I love you James,” the bright reds, golds, blues, greens and yellows lighting your room but your attention is on the man laying beneath you. “Happy New Year.”

Grinning like a fool, he pecks your lips, “I love you to Y/N, Happy New Year my love.”


End file.
